These Days

As a returned resident there are often moments where I find myself running into an old friend. This was a fairly frequent occasion while I was still in college. Once I was out of college I visited less. Without the leisure of long breaks between classes during the winter or summer, the trip home became more of a hassle. As my visits diminished they took on a different quality. I began to feel isolated in my hometown.

The holidays bring home the disparate sons and daughters of a city. As a student home during this period you make to the bars like everyone else your age. You always try to pass those "boring" nights in your hometown with beer and old faces. On certain nights during the year a place that might be half empty on any other Wednesday is transformed into high school (or at least some sort of surreal reunion). The only things missing are pretensions and awkwardness. Though the spirits might be said to cure both I like to attribute it to the intervening time between us and what we once were. Though it's hard to see past the person we once were and into the one we are today, time, like alcohol, has a way of softening the edges of our perceptions.

Admittedly I don't always like running into people I knew as a younger person. This doesn't stem from dislike. Unfortunately time hasn't cured my awkwardness and I often find myself unsure of what to say about myself. Once it was natural, easy, and true to say "Yeah, things are good. I'm still in school at Texas." Now, I'm now hesitant, stuck between utter veracity and half-true glibness.

My indecisiveness rests as much in the person whom I'm speaking with as it does with me. I find the difficulty of these responses directly increases in proportion to how close I once was with the person I've encountered. My heart wants to reach out while my mind is unsure--one sees the person while the other sees the empty years between us. Perhaps my mind knows how much I've changed in the intervening years and assumes those I once knew have as well.

Though my move here was purportedly a return home, in many ways it is just the opposite. As I navigate my way through the days, I see the town and the people within it. While I might think I know them both, after seven years away, we have a lot of catching up to do.