Lions in the Bush

For those who may not know it, I've been seeing a girl quite frequently of late. I'm not an overly effusive man so I won't be surprised if this wasn't widely known. Though it is anyone's guess, I would like to think it is out of a sense of privacy or demarcation that causes me to shy away from writing about women in my life.

When one is involved in a relationship there is no shortage of nervousness, self-doubt, hopefulness, or joy. Though a relationship takes shape within the wider world it is truly a smaller world of its own. As a relationship progresses reality narrows slightly and the periphery occurrences become a slight blur. Eventually the relationship blossoms and blends back into the wider world. It becomes a part of the day to day reality...you exist again as a part of the world.

Though there has been plenty of hopefulness and joy, thus far there has also been no shortage of self-doubt and nervousness. These feelings haven't necessarily been linked to Sara, the girl I've been dating, as much as they have been linked to the larger situation of dating.

Despite intermittent experiences with children as a teenager, I've never been exposed to them too much. I grew up without cousins, none of my siblings or step-siblings have thus far produced any offspring. I've lived a baby free existence for the most part. When you add this to the general uncertainty that surrounds any burgeoning relationship, it would be safe to say that I was fairly nervous about being around Sara's daughter, Gabby.

My ignorance of children knew no bounds. I was unsure how to behave, how to interact, what to say...But, like any new experience, whether it's your first year of high school or moving to a new city, it's never as bad as you might fear. The adaptability of human nature always proves itself worthy of the knee shaking task. Occasionally my tongue gets the better of me and out slips a "hell" or a "damn." As I continue to moderate my language (a true task for me)my fondness for her and her mother have grown.

My relationship with these two ladies has come at a price though. Often as I sit and watch Gabby I'm overcome with an incredibly paralyzing fit of thought. There is a level of innocence and purity associated with young children that I've never really experienced before first hand and it floors me. I've almost come to tears...Answers as to why are beyond me. Perhaps I feel that I'll never become a part of that world...that I'm removed and can never experience it for myself. Perhaps it is that the innocence will eventually be ruined...the passing of time will mar the beauty of a child. Perhaps I sense the inherent tragedy in life...? Whatever it is that sends me against the wall, whatever it is that brings me to the point of tears...I both want and dislike it. I enjoy the overbearing sense of wonderment and thought it brings to me but I also fear the power and profundity that patiently wait on the edge of my thought process, like lions in the bush.

We are thrown together in this world and we enjoy it while we can. We hide our souls and only timidly do we let our nature out. As time passes and trust is gained, bit by bit the truth of who we are is shown. Whether life will take us anywhere is still unknown.