Games that require clapping and saying something about oneself in front of strangers is my least favorite thing in the world. For those that might know me, this is rarefied company. I don't handle forced socialization very well. There is something about it that I loathe. Somewhere amongst the fake smiles and the feigned interest there is something ___. For as long as I can recall it has been this way for me. I hated camp as a child and dreaded the required functions parents press upon their offspring. By the time I finished high school I naively felt that I finally escaped the onus of forced socialization.
This naivety was shattered by Camp Longhorn. I was gently forced by my mother into attending this camp just before beginning my freshman year of college. Though orientation with its required meetings and info sessions wasn't entirely bad, I despised the camp. It was everything I hated about camp as a child, even the clapping games, but transplanted onto incoming freshman.
Now that I've entered adulthood, this social dread that has survived my childhood and my adolescence continues to exist. The only change has been my own outlook. It seems I have finally realized that forced socialization is one of the inevitabilities of life. It's not exactly death and taxes but it's damn close. This weekend was proof.
My presence was required this past weekend at a lodge atop a beautiful mountain for my step brother's wedding. To say that I was less than excited about this is perhaps an understatement (my attendance this weekend came at the cost of seeing MMJ in Dallas). As gauche and egocentric as it might be to admit this, it's the truth. Of course my problem isn't with weddings themselves but with these sort of pseudo family wedding where you know virtually no one—immediate family excluded—and are expected to carry on with fellow attendees as if you do know them.
Perhaps I am just a true contrarian, always in rebellion with what is expected. From petulant refusals to go to Sixth Street in college to my own youthful adoration of teams I wasn't supposed to like, a line of contrary behavior can be found in my life. This streak seems to have taken on a life of its own at times—a preternatural instinct almost. What other explanation can be reached for my fits of temper, silence, despair or my unfair humor even in the face of people for whom I deeply care? Or is it just the easy one?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Lions in the Bush
For those who may not know it, I've been seeing a girl quite frequently of late. I'm not an overly effusive man so I won't be surprised if this wasn't widely known. Though it is anyone's guess, I would like to think it is out of a sense of privacy or demarcation that causes me to shy away from writing about women in my life.
When one is involved in a relationship there is no shortage of nervousness, self-doubt, hopefulness, or joy. Though a relationship takes shape within the wider world it is truly a smaller world of its own. As a relationship progresses reality narrows slightly and the periphery occurrences become a slight blur. Eventually the relationship blossoms and blends back into the wider world. It becomes a part of the day to day reality...you exist again as a part of the world.
Though there has been plenty of hopefulness and joy, thus far there has also been no shortage of self-doubt and nervousness. These feelings haven't necessarily been linked to Sara, the girl I've been dating, as much as they have been linked to the larger situation of dating.
Despite intermittent experiences with children as a teenager, I've never been exposed to them too much. I grew up without cousins, none of my siblings or step-siblings have thus far produced any offspring. I've lived a baby free existence for the most part. When you add this to the general uncertainty that surrounds any burgeoning relationship, it would be safe to say that I was fairly nervous about being around Sara's daughter, Gabby.
My ignorance of children knew no bounds. I was unsure how to behave, how to interact, what to say...But, like any new experience, whether it's your first year of high school or moving to a new city, it's never as bad as you might fear. The adaptability of human nature always proves itself worthy of the knee shaking task. Occasionally my tongue gets the better of me and out slips a "hell" or a "damn." As I continue to moderate my language (a true task for me)my fondness for her and her mother have grown.
My relationship with these two ladies has come at a price though. Often as I sit and watch Gabby I'm overcome with an incredibly paralyzing fit of thought. There is a level of innocence and purity associated with young children that I've never really experienced before first hand and it floors me. I've almost come to tears...Answers as to why are beyond me. Perhaps I feel that I'll never become a part of that world...that I'm removed and can never experience it for myself. Perhaps it is that the innocence will eventually be ruined...the passing of time will mar the beauty of a child. Perhaps I sense the inherent tragedy in life...? Whatever it is that sends me against the wall, whatever it is that brings me to the point of tears...I both want and dislike it. I enjoy the overbearing sense of wonderment and thought it brings to me but I also fear the power and profundity that patiently wait on the edge of my thought process, like lions in the bush.
We are thrown together in this world and we enjoy it while we can. We hide our souls and only timidly do we let our nature out. As time passes and trust is gained, bit by bit the truth of who we are is shown. Whether life will take us anywhere is still unknown.
When one is involved in a relationship there is no shortage of nervousness, self-doubt, hopefulness, or joy. Though a relationship takes shape within the wider world it is truly a smaller world of its own. As a relationship progresses reality narrows slightly and the periphery occurrences become a slight blur. Eventually the relationship blossoms and blends back into the wider world. It becomes a part of the day to day reality...you exist again as a part of the world.
Though there has been plenty of hopefulness and joy, thus far there has also been no shortage of self-doubt and nervousness. These feelings haven't necessarily been linked to Sara, the girl I've been dating, as much as they have been linked to the larger situation of dating.
Despite intermittent experiences with children as a teenager, I've never been exposed to them too much. I grew up without cousins, none of my siblings or step-siblings have thus far produced any offspring. I've lived a baby free existence for the most part. When you add this to the general uncertainty that surrounds any burgeoning relationship, it would be safe to say that I was fairly nervous about being around Sara's daughter, Gabby.
My ignorance of children knew no bounds. I was unsure how to behave, how to interact, what to say...But, like any new experience, whether it's your first year of high school or moving to a new city, it's never as bad as you might fear. The adaptability of human nature always proves itself worthy of the knee shaking task. Occasionally my tongue gets the better of me and out slips a "hell" or a "damn." As I continue to moderate my language (a true task for me)my fondness for her and her mother have grown.
My relationship with these two ladies has come at a price though. Often as I sit and watch Gabby I'm overcome with an incredibly paralyzing fit of thought. There is a level of innocence and purity associated with young children that I've never really experienced before first hand and it floors me. I've almost come to tears...Answers as to why are beyond me. Perhaps I feel that I'll never become a part of that world...that I'm removed and can never experience it for myself. Perhaps it is that the innocence will eventually be ruined...the passing of time will mar the beauty of a child. Perhaps I sense the inherent tragedy in life...? Whatever it is that sends me against the wall, whatever it is that brings me to the point of tears...I both want and dislike it. I enjoy the overbearing sense of wonderment and thought it brings to me but I also fear the power and profundity that patiently wait on the edge of my thought process, like lions in the bush.
We are thrown together in this world and we enjoy it while we can. We hide our souls and only timidly do we let our nature out. As time passes and trust is gained, bit by bit the truth of who we are is shown. Whether life will take us anywhere is still unknown.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Spectacle of Cinema
As a rule I try to stay calm and collected. This convention of control was breached the other day. After a couple years of cajoling my friend, Kiran, finally watched the inimitable Paul Newman in "The Hustler." A back and forth of messages ensued where I began a rant against the current state of cinema.
I'm not a fetishist for a supposed "golden age" of film. There have been countless productions in recent years that I love just as much as anything else produced in any other era. Despite this, I have a feeling that there's been an overall slide in quality.
The stimulus for this rant was both a remark Kiran made about "Pirates of the Caribbean II" (henceforth: POTCII) and my own recent viewing of "Step Brothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. They play middle-aged men who still live with their parents. Despite the obviousness of the plot vehicle (parents marry, move in with child, fights and hijinks ensue) the movie's potential greatness lay within the satirization of the ever lengthening span of modern childhood. While this aping of the prorogation of adulthood has it's own comedic value, the bulk of the humor rested in the audience's ability to imagine the crass petulance of Ferrell and Reilly being acted out by actual children.
Perhaps it's obvious to note that the general plot and story arc were both formulaic. That, in and of itself, wasn't the spark of my rant. What I found in "Step Brothers"
was the continuing trend of Ferrell's absurdist brand of (crass) humor. A branch of comedy that no longer seems to place much importance on timing or wit. Instead it relies on the ability to say the most off the wall thing that pops into one's head. Though absurdism has its place, though I laughed quite a bit during the movie, I left with a feeling that I was perhaps perpetuating some larger problem in America by contributing to the success of that film.
The other side of this cinematic equation are spectacle films, like POTCII, Tristan & Isolde, National Treasure, or even Kingdom of Heaven. These movies place a priority on attention grabbing stunts as well as contrived romances and story lines. While there have certainly always been "spectacle" films, it seems that they've begun to dominate the entire action genre.
Throughout history there has always been a human urge for a spectacle. There are of course the obvious spectacles of past (gladiators) and present (modern sports) but what strikes me is the overall rise of the "spectacle" in our everyday life--from obsessive coverage of stars like Brittney Spears or Brett Favre to the rise of reality television and the explosion of movies like POTCII. This of course leads me down a dangerous thought path. It all makes me wonder if there is any correlation with the death, so to speak, of the "traditional" spectacles like traveling fairs. Or, could it be more about our own voyeuristic appetites? As the world continues to evolve, as it continues to shrink, as the ability of science grows, does our own craving for a spectacle apart from us expand?
In all likelihood the explanation can be simplified along lines of taste more than anything. Perhaps my own personality is reflected in my film tastes. Perhaps one's taste in movies is just a perverted manifestation of narcissism. I'm one for words and subtlety, thus I reject films that severely lack both. My lament to Kiran was that the popularity of these movies filled with spectacle and empty lines have come at a cost of finding movies like "The Hustler," ones that present a structured plot, intelligent dialogue, and well formed characters. These carefully crafted movies still exist. Being back home I quickly realized the unfortunate impossibility of ever seeing them in the theater. Put it down as another casualty of life in a smaller town. Put it down as another reason to be thankful for my Netflix subscription.
I'm not a fetishist for a supposed "golden age" of film. There have been countless productions in recent years that I love just as much as anything else produced in any other era. Despite this, I have a feeling that there's been an overall slide in quality.
The stimulus for this rant was both a remark Kiran made about "Pirates of the Caribbean II" (henceforth: POTCII) and my own recent viewing of "Step Brothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. They play middle-aged men who still live with their parents. Despite the obviousness of the plot vehicle (parents marry, move in with child, fights and hijinks ensue) the movie's potential greatness lay within the satirization of the ever lengthening span of modern childhood. While this aping of the prorogation of adulthood has it's own comedic value, the bulk of the humor rested in the audience's ability to imagine the crass petulance of Ferrell and Reilly being acted out by actual children.
Perhaps it's obvious to note that the general plot and story arc were both formulaic. That, in and of itself, wasn't the spark of my rant. What I found in "Step Brothers"
was the continuing trend of Ferrell's absurdist brand of (crass) humor. A branch of comedy that no longer seems to place much importance on timing or wit. Instead it relies on the ability to say the most off the wall thing that pops into one's head. Though absurdism has its place, though I laughed quite a bit during the movie, I left with a feeling that I was perhaps perpetuating some larger problem in America by contributing to the success of that film.
The other side of this cinematic equation are spectacle films, like POTCII, Tristan & Isolde, National Treasure, or even Kingdom of Heaven. These movies place a priority on attention grabbing stunts as well as contrived romances and story lines. While there have certainly always been "spectacle" films, it seems that they've begun to dominate the entire action genre.
Throughout history there has always been a human urge for a spectacle. There are of course the obvious spectacles of past (gladiators) and present (modern sports) but what strikes me is the overall rise of the "spectacle" in our everyday life--from obsessive coverage of stars like Brittney Spears or Brett Favre to the rise of reality television and the explosion of movies like POTCII. This of course leads me down a dangerous thought path. It all makes me wonder if there is any correlation with the death, so to speak, of the "traditional" spectacles like traveling fairs. Or, could it be more about our own voyeuristic appetites? As the world continues to evolve, as it continues to shrink, as the ability of science grows, does our own craving for a spectacle apart from us expand?
In all likelihood the explanation can be simplified along lines of taste more than anything. Perhaps my own personality is reflected in my film tastes. Perhaps one's taste in movies is just a perverted manifestation of narcissism. I'm one for words and subtlety, thus I reject films that severely lack both. My lament to Kiran was that the popularity of these movies filled with spectacle and empty lines have come at a cost of finding movies like "The Hustler," ones that present a structured plot, intelligent dialogue, and well formed characters. These carefully crafted movies still exist. Being back home I quickly realized the unfortunate impossibility of ever seeing them in the theater. Put it down as another casualty of life in a smaller town. Put it down as another reason to be thankful for my Netflix subscription.
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